#fail #tryagain

When I was pregnant for the third time, I was determined to handle things differently this time around. I was going to try to have a calm pregnancy, where amidst of family life and work, yoga and meditation would take center stage. And sure enough, this went pretty smooth. The fact that it went so smooth led to me starting this blog and opening social media to share my journey. My thought was that though the before and after pictures of expreinced yogis and yoginis were inspirational, I had wanted to see the before picture when it was actually before. For me, this is before. I am not experienced in yoga. I struggle keeping myself together when meditating. I was and am convinced that many people are at the before part of their journey of self-exploration, and I disocvered a desire within myself to connect to these people and share my story so that the ‘before’ folk just like me would know that they don’t stand alone. We are riding this wave together, and have nothing to lose and everything to win.

I was prepared for my focus and physical ability to do yoga to decline as I gradually sneaked into my 30-something weeks of pregnancy, which it did, but I kept my meditation moments alive and tried to share my story as much as I could still. Then came baby. And let me tell you, whether it was the meditation, or the yoga, or just her personality, she was and remains one relaxed baby. So you would think that that would allow me to slip right back into my yoga routine, right? Wrong. I just couldn’t and often still can’t get myself on the mat. Or to sit down and do some soul breathing. I know I could make the time, I know that it’s important and better for me and everyone around me if do so, but sometimes it just feels physically impossible to actually do so. What is up body and mind? Work with me here. I keep hitting a wall. And then I feel that I have nothing to write about, and leave my blog and social media for the time being. Because apparently I thought the before story should only be about the achievemnts, not about the struggles – an idea that I reject on an intellectual level, but realistically I adhere to. So here it goes: knowing that actually I want to get back in the game, I’m really at a point where I’m figuring out how to and get over the embarrassment that I have failed and need to get started again.
I consult myself with the words of one of my favourite researchers and women, Brené Brown. No, let me rectify that. She is definitely my number one favourite researcher. (For those of you that don’t know her – where have you been? 😉 Also, go check out her Ted talks and video on Netflix) I remember how she talks about the doer of deeds in the arena. And I remember that it is because I choose to be active, that I will also fail. But it’s not about the failing, it’s about the doing. It’s about daring greatly. For me, parcticing yoga, trying meditation and essentially doing some soul searching and giving up the securities of the devil I know is daring greatly. Writing about it and sharing is daring enormously. I’m lying face down in the mud in the arena right now, embarassed, cold and I want to get up. And I will.

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